Tales of an autistic mom?

I went to the therapist yesterday and she asked about my childhood. I explained how I was always playing by myself, I didn’t do well in school, I didn’t have many friends, etc. She said that I could possibly be autistic myself.

I had already thought of this because my daughter is mildly autistic and a lot of the things they said were signs of autism, were traits I shared with her.

The therapist said that having a second kid could have been a stressor to push me over the edge. Maybe I blocked my feelings out because I was overwhelmed by the change?

It wasn’t too surprising, but to hear that this may be why I’m not feeling anything was a bit overwhelming.

I ended with more questions than answers. What’s the next step? How do I get my feelings back? Will I get my feelings back? Will I be able to save my marriage?

I was hoping for something related with depression and there being a miracle pill out there to fix everything. You can’t fix something that’s a part of who you were.

I always knew I was a bit different, but I never minded until all of this happened. Now I feel like I’m even more broken and hopeless than ever before.

No miracle pill. No easy fix. Possibly no fix at all.

My husband has the kids this week, which means I am left with nothing but my own thoughts.

It’s going to be a long week.

Tales of a lost mom.

For the last six months, I’ve been broken. I’ve been lost. I’ve been numb.

I feel nothing but frustration. I feel nothing for my family, friends, husband… no one. I feel like everyone is a stranger.

No one knows what’s wrong. I’ve been to a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a family doctor, and an OBGYN.

I am on my third set of depression pills. I’ve ruled out any major hormonal or thyroid issues. My OB doesn’t think it’s postpartum. No one has a clue why I’m just blank.

My marriage fell apart. My husband filed for a divorce. After the separation, I went looking elsewhere for any sort of stimulation, which I never found.

My husband wants to work things out. I know I owe it to our marriage to try. I just don’t knowhow to try, if i don’t feel anything, let alone love.

Every once in a great while, I get a moment of clarity and be back to my old self. I’ll feel all of the old things and I can see the excitement on my families face. Then I see the hurt and disappointment when that moment of clarity, disappears.

I feel so helpless.

Fate of the unknown

Recently, I’ve been getting my words mixed up. Instead of “Hello. How are you?” I’ll say/write “Hello. How you are?” Instead of “look” I’ll write “good”. I’ll explain a definition because I can’t think of the correct word.

Now I don’t overreact. I always look for the most likely solution. I never jump to worse case scenarios. I look at the facts and think logically about what something most likely is. I’m proud of this fact.

But with this particular symptom, there is no best case scenario. My choices are brain damage, stroke, or tumor. Add my 4 month migraine to the mix and it gets worse.

I’m going to the doctors on Thursday. They are going to run some tests and see what’s going on.

I’m telling everyone around me that I’m sure nothings wrong and I’m trying to stay optimistic, but inside, I’m terrified. I know something is wrong. I can just tell. Words have always come easy for me. I have a degree and a certificate in English. I write all of the time.

My mind is jumping all over the place and I refuse to look anything else up because I know at this point it won’t help.

Everyone I talk to says I’ll be fine, but they also aren’t acting normally around me. They are acting worried and walking on egg shells. The only time they relax is when I’m happy. I feel like I can’t be scared because then they’ll be scared.

If I tell them how I feel, I get yelled at, told not to worry, and say just to not think about it till we know what we are dealing with. All great in theory. Just wish they’d tell me how.

So I’m on here, venting, because it seems like the only place I can go.

Im no supermom

This past weekend was my birthday, so my husband took the kids. He cooked and cleaned and for one entire day, I laid in bed and watched movies.

This was the first time in the entirety of our marriage that I was able to relax. Not because he never did stuff like this. On the contrary, he’s tried his hardest to get me to stop helping over the years.

No, I could never relax because of the guilt. The guilt of not being able to do everything myself. The guilt of needing a break or letting the house get messy.

We have come a long way in gender equality but we still consider it a woman’s job to help. We still think we are lucky if we have a husband who helps around the house or with the kids.

Why should we feel lucky? It’s his house too. They’re his kids too. Staying at home with kids is not easy. Sometimes you don’t have time to clean the house or finish the laundry.

I understand that going to work outside of the home every day is hard too. I’m not saying that the man should have to come home from a long day and wait on the woman hand and foot. I’m just saying that they should be partners.

My husband works very hard at his job, but just like at home, some days are harder than others. If I know that he’s having a rough day, I’ll put extra effort into trying to make it so he can come home and relax.

And ya know what? He does the same thing. If our son has kept me up all night with feedings or our daughter is throwing temper tantrums all day, he tells me not to worry about doing a bunch of chores and that he will tackle it when he gets home.

Most of the time we split it because with a 3 month old with separation anxiety, sometimes that’s the only way anything gets done.

He’s my partner. We both give 50%. Some days one of us will give 75% while the other relaxes, but it’s never one sided for long.

I have finally learned that it’s okay to let him help. I shouldn’t feel guilty. I don’t need to do everything by myself.

Im no supermom

Horrible position.

Warning, this is a rant by a seriously pissed off person about a very dark situation. I can’t promise I won’t swear but I will try not to.

I will not be giving my opinion on any of the parts of this story except the main one, because I could never put myself in my sister’s shoes.

This is about my sister. Here’s the background. She’s 3 years older than me and has a slew of mental problems including but not limited to: body dysmorphic disorder, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder multiple eating disorders, depression, and major anxiety. A day in her life could only be described as torture. Over the years she has been slowly killing herself with eating disorders, cutting, and other harmful acts(binge drinking way past what she can tolerate). She says that if her body doesn’t give out on her soon, she will have to take matters into her own hands.

She went through a messy divorce and a lot of her mental disabilities were used against her to try to take her 5 kids away from her. She went to therapy and treatment for a year(she’s been in and out of treatments for years and years.) and got to keep her kids half of the time. She has said multiple times that they are the only reason that she’s still alive.

Now here is where my story begins. My sister has been prescribed a sleep medication that’s often given to people with bipolar disorder. She’s supposed to start with one pill and if that doesn’t work, talk to the doctor about going up till she reaches the maximum dose of 4 pills.

She tried one pill and decided that it wasn’t enough so a few nights later she took 4 pills and slept for 24 hours straight. That was a couple of weeks ago.

Today I get a call from a friend of hers. “Hey, you might want to go check on your sister in a few hours. You’re the only family she has in town(Parents go to Florida for the winter) and I work later. She took a handful of those sleeping pills. I read that they are hard to overdose on but there’s a small chance that they could give some long term damage. She said that she didn’t want to die, but she also said she took at least a dozen of those pills. The bottle was empty. I know if you call an ambulance she will lose her kids though so I’m leaving it in your hands.”

What the $&@;& am I supposed to do now?! Seriously! I am her YOUNGER sister and she has put me in this horrible lose lose situation. If I go over there and she’s not waking up, I have to choose whether to call an ambulance and have her lose the kids, or not call an ambulance and have her possibly end up with a serious problem or worse!

If I call the ambulance and there’s nothing wrong with her, the chances of her still losing the kids is high. If she loses the kids, then her reason for living is gone and it’s all my fault.

If I don’t call the ambulance and she’s NOT fine, she could die or be in a coma or have a brain injury. Again, my fault!

Either choice is going to be harmful to her kids who I adore, and could end up with her dying. Either choice is going to leave me with enough problems of my own to pay for my future shrinks new Porsche.

My parents are each saying something different. One is saying that she’s been fighting for so long and this disease has eaten away at her for so long that she will only have a few years left anyways so I should not call the ambulance and have this run its course and to leave it in God’s hands. Plus they say that she will hate me if I’m the reason she’s alive and not able to see her kids.

The other says that a few years left, even unhealthy torturous years are still years that her kids will be able to make memories with her. That if I don’t call the ambulance and something happens to her, I will never be able to forgive myself.

Either choice could end with my sister losing her life by her own hands. Either choice will make me the one to cause it to happen. Either choice will be the “wrong choice” to so many people close to her.

I am 29 years old and I’ve been taking care of my sister for years. I’ve listened and given advice. I’ve given her my opinions and argued both sides with her. Now, I’m the one that could possibly make a choice that will affect multiple people and lives. I’m the one that has to choose between what my sister wants or what is “better” for her kids.

I have to choose between having her kids watch her deteriorate slowly but not know that it’s by her own choice, or have them lose her in one swift motion and know exactly how/why it happened and possibly blame themselves.

Either decision could result in these kids losing their mom either by court order or death.

I’m mad because I shouldn’t have to make this decision! How is this fair to me?! Why don’t my parents come home and make the decision. Why did she have to do things this way.

I am the YOUNGER sister. I am not meant to have to decide someone’s entire future. I’m not strong enough to deal with the consequences. I am so angry at her for doing this to me. I know I sound selfish and I know I am being selfish right now.

I always think of everyone else and this decision will be the same way. I’ll think of her and her kids and my parents and our other family. I’ll think about the possible futures for everyone involved and what might happen after the decision is made.

But right now, I’m PISSED! I’m furious. I’m so angry that I can’t even see straight so I’m sitting in the car, getting driven to her house, my stomach in knots, my eyes hurt from crying, and I am SEETHING MAD!

I can’t even ask anyone close to me because I don’t want them to feel guilty with the decision. I’m not bringing anyone else into this mess.

That’s why I’m on here. Not for any opinions or help, but to rant and let it out the only way I know how.

I’ll keep you posted

Murphy’s law and One lonely nugget

This morning, after another night of not getting any sleep because of my son Jackson’s(3 months) acid reflux, I made an appt with my doctor. The only availability was right at my daughter Charlie’s(2.5 years) naptime but it was going to be a 10 minute appt, so no big deal.

About 5 minutes before we need to leave, I go to start my SUV and see that my husband took it to work this morning(there had been a huge snow storm yesterday and his car doesn’t handle as well in snow). That wouldn’t have been a problem if he had the spare baby car seat installed in his car.

So I spend the next ten minutes looking everywhere for the base, getting it installed, and getting the kids in the car.

We make it to the doctors just in time, but as I’m getting the kids out of the car, I realize the diaper bag was in MY car. That means no toys to keep my toddler happy, no diapers, wipes, snacks, etc. I was a little annoyed at the situation but, again, it was only supposed to be a 10 minute visit. There were only 3 people in front of me in the waiting room.

90 MINUTES LATER we are finally called back, my son has soaked through his diaper, my daughter is climbing up the walls, and I have a migraine.

We see the doctor for a whopping 5 minutes(I don’t know how it took 90 minutes to get through 3 people when I took 5 😡), I have a prescription for liquid Zantac, and I’m out the door.

I get the kids in and as I’m climbing into the car, I realize I am starving. I always forget to eat during the day because I’m running around feeding the kids and cleaning, so my stomach was grumbling big time.

Pass a McDonald’s on the way home, can’t pass it up and for some reason nuggets sound awesome. Sounds easy peasy right? Yea… well I get up to the window to order and realize that my wallet is ALSO in the other car. I look at the change in the cup holder and figure I have enough for a 6 piece, which is enough for me so no big deal.

I order and then of course I get stuck in the snow on my way to pay. I spend 3 minutes getting unstuck(thank goodness there was no one behind me until the end), and make it up to the window and hand the cashier my pathetic handful of change.

I get my food and I’m so excited to eat that my mouth is actually watering. I open the box, grab a nugget and from the backseat I hear “food please?” I look back and see my daughter staring excitedly at the nugget in my hand. I fed her lunch about an hour before we left but that was now three hours ago so of course she’s hungry again.

Doing the motherly thing, I rip off the top to the box, put half the nuggets in and hand it back to her. Now I’m down to three nuggets. Disappointing but still enough to tide me over until I get home.

I start the drive home and right as I pick up my first nugget I hit a minor patch of ice. Nothing enough to be dangerous but, of course, it was enough to send my two remaining nuggets onto the dirty, slush covered floor under my feet. I felt like crying at this point.

I look in the rear view mirror and see my daughter, happy as can be, with a half eaten nugget in each hand and one already eaten, and I spend the rest of the drive nibbling on my one lonely nugget….

The moral of the story? Don’t ever leave your house. Ever. Just stay home.

One of those days

Have you ever felt like you are losing control of your own life? Like you’re juggling too many plates, being spread too thin, getting pulled in too many different directions?

I have depression. I also have SAD(seasonal affective disorder) that hits during winter. They both make it hard to get out of bed, but I do it.

Then there are days like today… days where I can look around and see all of the blessings in my life, acknowledge that I have more than I deserve, but it doesn’t seem to matter. My brain knows better, but it doesn’t change anything.

Days like today, I want to give up. I need to call someone to help me and my family get through the day because all I want is to stay in bed and never get out. I don’t want to be a wife or a mother. I can’t fathom the idea of doing one more load of laundry. I want to switch lives with anyone, just to escape the feeling.

My brain is telling me that my life is terrible. It tells me horrible things, and on these days, I believe it. I believe that I’m alone and that things will never get better. I believe that this feeling, that’s keeping me from being able to do even the smallest things, is here to stay.

It’s hard to explain exactly what it feels like, but it feels like I’m helpless. It feels like these irrational thoughts are taking over any sense of logic that I had.

I want to clarify that I have an amazing support system that I reach out to when I’m feeling this way. I never self harm in any way. I just shut down and sleep or turn into a zombie.

I have these days about once every three weeks and by the end of the day, I am so exhausted by the constant flurry of negative emotions that I can’t imagine feeling this way any longer. The only thing that makes these days bearable is that I know I will wake up tomorrow and feel back to normal.

Then I think about people that aren’t as lucky as I am. I have a friend with BPD(borderline personality disorder), and she has these days more often than not. She’s tried therapy, pills, in-patient treatment, and some less healthy methods of trying to gain just a tiny sense of control over her own life.

She is the strongest person I know, because she doesn’t get the luxury of going “back to normal” the next day. This is her normal. Every morning she wakes up, not wanting to exist, but she does. She gets up, gets the kids fed, dressed, and to school. Then she goes home and climbs back in bed until reality beckons her back. She doesn’t let this feeling shut down her life. She can’t it’s not just one day for her. You’d never know by looking at her that the fact that she got out of bed and tackled her responsibilities was probably more difficult than anything you could imagine.

The strongest people in the world go through things that you will never know. To those people out there feeling helpless, alone, and letting your brain convince you of things that aren’t true, please stay strong. You are loved and you are truly remarkable people. I get a tiny glimpse into what you’re going through and my heart goes out to you.

Prayers are with you

Later y’all.

My birthday wish

I will be turning 30 on February 4th. The big 3-0! For my birthday I would like to ask something of you. It won’t cost you a dime, so hear me out.

So the new thing seems to be to ask people to donate to charities for ones birthday. Now don’t get me wrong, that’s a great thing to do. I’ve even asked my friends and family for that in the past.

This year, I decided to simplify it further. All I want this year, is for you to go out and do something kind. It doesn’t have to be big. Just smile at someone who looks unhappy, hold a door open, compliment someone’s attire, etc. Little things like those can make a bigger impact than you know.

Multiple friends have told me stories of kind gestures that made their days so much better. Hours after a simple compliment, they were still smiling and had a little pep in there step.

At my sisters lowest point, she told me that someone smiling and asking how she was made her hesitate just long enough to rethink doing something drastic. This persons genuine interest in her reminded her that she has people to talk to.

Kindness goes a long way now a-days, and we need it more than ever. So my birthday wish is that you go out and and make someone smile.

If you choose, I challenge you to go one step further. Do something that you wouldn’t normally do. Step out of your comfort zone.

If this prompts any good stories, please don’t hesitate to share. I’d love to hear them.

Calling all psychologists!!

Ok hear me out, because this may sound like a dumb question.

Why don’t I exercise and eat right?

I have a BMI of 28.6 and I’d like to get down into the 24 range. The question isn’t how, because I know how. The question is “why don’t I do it?”

On a psychological level, why don’t I just do what I know needs to be done to achieve my goal?

I know that not only will exercise and eating right(more veggies and less carbs) help me to lose weight and become healthier, but it makes me feel good! It will give me an energy boost, a confidence boost, and make me feel like a new person. I know this from past attempts at weight loss.

So knowing that there are so many positive outcomes, why do I still have such a hard time? And are there any techniques to combat this? Please help me understand.


Dating myself

My biggest regret is that I never dated myself. Now I might never get the chance.

Did any of you jump from relationship to relationship?

I was so afraid to be alone, that I never was. I wasn’t picky about who I dated, just that I was with someone. I’ll tell you what, sometimes my lack of standards really brought in the winners(sarcasm).

I’ve never even lived alone. I moved out of my parents house and in with my first husband. Then when we got divorced, his sister(yep. You read that right. HIS sister is my best friend) moved in to help me through it. Then my current husband moved in and eventually she moved out.

Now that I’m married with kids, that might be my biggest regret.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t regret getting married or having kids. My husband and my kids are my world. I just wish I would have lived a little BEFORE I met my husband.

I wish I would have spent more time on myself. I wish I would have taken a break to find out who I was and what I wanted.

I should have taken myself to the movies or out to dinner. I should have bought myself jewelry and a spa day. I should have showered myself with compliments and support.

I wish I would have lived by myself for a year or two and learned how to cook better. I wish I would have put as much effort into myself as I did in relationships.

There’s a good possibility that I won’t live alone until I’m much older(or never). I will never get to see what it’s like to only have to take carry of/worry about myself.

I have this dream where I wake up, crank some music, shower and get ready for work. Then afterwards I’d come home, cook something simple, and hang out in front of the tv.

I know I’d have to clean and do laundry but cleaning for one and doing one persons laundry sounds AMAZING! Think about it moms! Think about all of the laundry that CONSTANTLY needs to be washed/folded/put away. How much of that is yours?

I don’t know about y’all, but I HATE kids clothes. You think one basket is not that much but that one basket holds 50183948393729373 pieces of tiny shirts, pants, onesies, etc. Its a basket of LIES and DECEIT!

Plus doing laundry while watching kids. Or even better, when they want to HELP. That makes a 5 minute task take 15-20 minutes.

I miss doing laundry alone. I miss doing anything alone.

I recently took up wood whittling as a hobby. Cause what goes better with kids than sharp knives and blocks of wood…. 😣 I probably get two hours a week of hands free, kids free, time. Do you know how long it takes me to finish one project? Wayyyy more than 2 hours. If I were single, I’d love sitting down and whittling the day away.

The point is, I regret not taking time for myself. It’s an experience that I feel everyone should have. Plus I feel that if I spent this time figuring myself out, I’d have saved a lot of time and tears on the wrong guys.

I know being alone seems scary when you’re in highschool, college, and especially after college when you have to figure life out. But, when you find yourself married with kids and never alone, you’ll wish you could go back.

So if you’re like I was, and the fear of being alone makes you jump from one relationship to the next, maybe just take a break after the next breakup. Even just a month can teach you a lot.

If you’re like I am now, surrounded by people and noise and chaos, never ending piles of laundry and dishes, just wanting a day to curl up and read a good book, you’re not alone.

Try your hardest to find that time. It may not teach you life altering lessons, but it might stop you from pulling your hair out.